Dear Facebook Friends,

It's time we had a talk.  I think we're close enough now (again?) that we can have an open dialogue.  Like a couple who have grown so familiar that they no longer close the bathroom door, we may have become a little too comfortable here.  There are some things that may not need to be shared with all 417 of your closest friends, know what I'm saying?

Unfortunately, Emily Post died 50 years ago, way before she could clearly delineate the rules of Facebook etiquette.  Still,  I have to believe that there are a few things she'd like you to consider.  I've jotted them down below.  Hope you don't mind.


1) I get that there are things like Farmville, Mafia Wars, Cafe World, some kind of vampire thing, and who knows what else...but if you're seemingly addicted to more than one of these, you're on my suspect list.  And I'm sorry but I can't help with your barn raising, I have no bricks, and I have not seen your rogue animals!

2) Please don't tell us how much you hate your job every single freaking day.  Every day!  We get it, okay?  After a year and a half, we get it.  And you know what?  You can probably leave the office five minutes earlier each day if you just cover off the week with a great big "WORK SUCKS" on Monday mornings.  See--right there's 20 minutes a week you just won back.  Good work.

3) In fact, we don't need a play by play on every aspect of your daily routine.  You have to admit--it's strange to go from wondering whatever happened to that kid from your 8th grade gym class to knowing that his coffee was like rocket fuel this morning, that this afternoon's meeting was WAY too long, and that his wife is making Chicken Parmesan for dinner.  Please step away from the keyboard.

4) Please don't wax poetic or try and be overly profound.  After your tenth obscure quote or "insightful" statement about life, you just sound like a pretentious asshole.  Oh, that's right...

5) Did you defriend me?  Because someone did.  Last night there were 216 of you, and today, 215.  And now I have to spend the next 20 minutes figuring out who defected.  And the next three weeks wondering why.  Was I not funny enough?  Did I post too much?  Too little? Am I too political?  Polarizing?  Did my "Winter 2009" photos and their witty captions rekindle those 7th grade feelings, forcing you to defriend me to avoid falling in love once more?  Ah, the mysteries of life.

6) Married couples, please refrain from posting "I love you honeyyyyyyyyy" or the like as your status.  Nothing wrong with telling us about the adorable thing your spouse did--that's sweet, and may even give us a few ideas we can recycle.  But assuming you have other means of communicating with one another, don't act like all 234 of us aren't in the room!

7) If you use the word "hubby" I will not hesitate to report you.

8) Your kids are cute.  They say cute things.  Perhaps rather than a daily transcript, you can just send the Cliff's Notes?  Thanks in advance.

9) Suspense writers: Posts like "The fire dept is on the way" or "Well, on to better things" really do demand further explanation.  Is your cat in a tree, or is something on fire?  Did you lose your job, or give up on your "farm?" And while we're on the topic, I have to ask--did you really not realize you were sounding the alarm with a post like that?  Or were you just in the mood for 300 "What?  What's wrong?  What happened?" messages, and unsure of how else to get them?  You took the 30 seconds to get on and post--so take an extra five and give us the run down so we know whether to help you or block you!

10) I love the 25 question type notes, and really do enjoy reading them.  What I don't enjoy is knowing that you sleep naked.  Okay?  Terrific.

Well friends, that about sums it up.  Aren't you glad we cleared the air here?  I know I sure am!  Now, it's off to look at pictures of your day at the zoo, my third grade violin concert, and my cousin's wacky trip to Amsterdam.  Have a great day!

Thanks and best regards,
Robyn